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紀錄懷大寶的過程回憶記 Memory from My Fist Trimester

"A new baby is like the beginning of all things: wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.”
- Eda J. LeShan.
 

如今已2022年,回想這個過程,心情猶如昨日般起起伏伏,眼淚💧也在眼眶徘徊打轉。


2016年我與我們家的工程師結婚了🎎!8年的長跑路程,一定離不開結婚,然後有小孩的幻想話題,就連小朋友的名字都先設想好!😅 當然,結婚後,我們都沒有避孕的想法,想實現以前的夢想,順其自然有小孩。試了一段時間,都沒有任何消息,本想放棄(以為自己是不孕體質),雖然有些難過...但日子還是要正常過。就在我開始投入工作,忙著設計客人家裡的櫥櫃,衣櫃,早已忘記計算個人經期到底有沒有來。


就在一天去客戶家,蹲下測量衣櫃的空間,正要站起來,發現自己處於昏眩狀態,也冒冷汗,以為自己沒有睡好,貧血,但還是沒注意到其實自己懷孕了🤰神經很大條的繼續接客戶的單,拼業績!工具箱也就跟著我在華州東南西北跑😂 後來一個晚上突然覺得胸悶想吐,才想起我的大姨媽好久沒來了。心理忐忑的想:「我不會這時候...懷孕了吧!」躺回床上,翻來覆去了一整晚,等到早上,鼓起勇氣拿出之前沒開過的驗孕棒... (15分鐘過後)難以形容的心情拿著驗孕棒(當然有有蓋蓋子🤣 )快速衝到樓下,表情已經不知道怎麼擺了...叫了一下正在吃早餐看Twitter 的工程師~


我:「我好像懷孕了」「是兩條線」

但因為過去驗孕失敗經驗,常額外幻想有隱形線~所以他轉過來看都沒看的說了一句

工程師:「Are you sure? It's not your imagination line again? 」(你確定不是的假想"線"?)

我:「當然不是,是兩條很紅很紅的線」

工程師:「...」


他半天沒說話,但心理很確定的是他也很開心要當爸爸了👨 自從懷孕,第一次接觸學習美國這裡醫療系統,與過程,懷孕後至少要等6個禮拜後才會安排做產檢。但因為以前沒有習慣做經期紀錄,而且每次都告訴自己一個月有來一次就好,所以這裡O.B/GYN (Obstetrician/Gynecologist) 問我最後一次月經的第一天是什麼時候,當然我說我不確定,所以給了很模糊的時間。理所當然,我也不知道我大概懷了幾週..但他們大概預估我給的時間,安排我去做產檢。


第一次去做產檢到了,我和我們家的工程師帶著期待的心情一起去了診間。我的婦科主治醫師剛好那天不在,是另一個醫師幫我看的。那時候她在照的時候沒有照到胚胎,然後安排我去做全面B超檢查,那時候的我好緊張,也好擔心,本來以為是擔心驗孕棒鬧了個烏龍,但做了全面檢查,B超醫生竟告訴我們,有寶寶住的圈圈,但沒看到寶寶,那時候的心情真的是跌到谷底,生怕我期待已久的寶寶有可能沒了... 照B超的醫生安慰著我,有可能太早來看了,跟我們原來估計的時間有差,或寶寶自然流產,有很多種原因,導致這次沒有照到寶寶..


我一直告訴自己是時間算早了,拿著報告到原來的診間給了幫我第一次做產檢的醫生再看一下,她告訴我...以她這幾年的經驗是..:「I think you have miscarried baby」... 我當下握著我先生的手,很想跟他說我是不是又幻聽了...但...沒有勇氣...因為我的他也處於低潮,他也無法相信他聽到的,後來他告訴我,他當下聽到這個消息,頭都是暈的...


醫生也接著交代後續動作...又是她說的「Based on my previous experiences, you might have miscarried baby (根據我過去看診的經驗,你應該是流產了)」,那時候,說實在我真的還沒準備好,然後又給我流掉小孩的藥,是幫忙流乾淨才能在好好準備新的生命。在醫生的交代下,每一步看似這麼的簡單,但是要我去做,真的好難


但還是鼓起勇氣問了醫生👩‍⚕️難道就只有這個結果嗎?後來醫生才又跟我說,我可以看完去驗個血,再等3天回來再驗一次,看血指數濃度有沒有提高,如果有提高,就代表寶寶還在,只是B超做太早了。我和我先生又有一線希望了,可是那醫生一直不停的強調是流產。(現在回想一下,好險當時她不是我的主治醫生,不然我應該會有想換醫生的念頭😓)


走出了診間,我當時的心情很亂,驗完血後,在車上哭了,心碎的哭了😢,我的工程師也眼睛紅了,但爲了安慰我,他沒有掉下眼淚,也很努力的告訴我,一定是預估早了(因為我們都不想期待已久的寶寶就這樣與我們擦身而過)。後來打了電話給在上海的爸媽,我媽媽看到我哭,她也哭了,可是她擦掉眼淚的告訴我就在等等,流產藥先不要吃,就再等等,這幾天多吃營養的,等三天後再來說。


回到家,先生的爸媽也剛好飛來西雅圖,得知這個消息,他們也是讓我不要放棄,就等待3天後的消息再來做打算。這三天過的好慢,有如過了三年,在這等待的時間,公公婆婆和先生帶著我到超市買了營養食物回來吃,從來不怎麼吃nuts,也不怎麼愛喝優若乳,這三天都很準時吃飯補身體。過的很小心,也摸著肚子(雖然當時不知道寶寶還在不在的情況下,還是摸著肚子):「媽媽很努力的照顧自己,也希望你/妳能很努力,健健康康的住在媽媽的肚子裡」


第三天到了,在開往醫院的路上,心裡忐忑不安,也祈求天上的奶奶如果聽到我的聲音,很希望祂能保佑她第一個孫子/孫女平平安安的出生。停車,走進驗血室,等待驗血結果,這每一步都是沈重漫長的渡過,直到我的主治醫生告訴我血指數有提高, 而且提高很多,我心中的那顆石頭終於放下來了。等待已久的你/妳,終於要來當我們的小孩了 ❤️


待續...


Even though it’s 2022, whenever I replayed this moment, I can still feel my heartbeat going up and down, which makes tears fill my eyes.


Got married in 2016 after a long courtship. Before we were married, we sometimes dreamed about getting married, having kids, and even named our kids. That’s the reason why we always prepare to have a baby after we get married. We had tried many times, but never succeeded in having one. I was a bit disappointed, but still needed to live my life, just as I started to decide to be a “workaholic “, spend most of my time at work, designing people’s closet, totally forgetting if I had my period or not.


Till one day, I was at client ‘s home working on the project. I had a light headache, felt my world was spinning; thought of just not sleeping well or having anemia. Still didn’t realized I was pregnant at the time! After that day, I still carried my design tools to meet my clients anytime I had an appointment. Until one night, I ran into the bathroom in the middle of night, non-stopped puking and had a light headache. Finally realized: I MIGHT BE PREGNANT!! After I went back to bed, I was up all night. Of course, I decided to pull out my pregnancy test in the morning… 15 minutes after…. I was so excited that I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t know how to react to my emotions. I quickly brought my pregnancy test down (not to mention I still remember to make sure the pregnancy test was clean first before showing my husband)


Me: Honey! Honey!!

Husband: What?! (Normal tone as usual)

Me: I think I am pregnant; you are going to be DAD soon!

Normal tone again, he didn’t even look at the pregnancy test and respond me (from the previous - / not pregnant pregnancy test)

Husband: Are you sure? This is not your imagination "line" again?

Me: No! No! You definitely can see two lines this time.

Husband: …... (Couldn’t say anything at the time)


Afterwards, my husband gave me a hug without saying anything. I could feel he was excited, happy like me. After knowing I was pregnant, I did some research of hospitals, finding my OB doctor. Everything was new to me, especially in English.

After all the research, I found my OB doctor, called in and made an appointment for my first-time check-up. During the phone call, the nurse was asking me about my last period date, honestly, I was not sure when I had my last period; yet I gave an unclear date.

First time I checked-up, my husband and I were so excited waiting in the waiting room. Meanwhile, I just noticed my primary OB doctor wasn’t there. Anyway, long story short, during the check-up time, another doctor told me she could not find a baby and needed to do an ultrasound and discuss it with us later. We both had mixed feelings after hearing that. The duration of the ultrasound found out I did have sac but couldn’t find the embryo. The most common reasons for a pregnancy not appearing on the ultrasound screen are too soon to see the baby on the scan/ might have had a miscarriage or the pregnancy is outside the womb. Yet we brought the report back to the OB doctor (not my primary OB doctor), the doctor told us, we might have had a miscarried baby based on her previous experiences.


“YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME” this phrase kept popping in my head. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard, nor did I want to believe it. The doctor kept saying “I’m really sorry, I know it will be tough for you guys, but that’s how pregnancy works.” “If you guys are ready, you can take this pill to clean up your uterus and prepare/welcome the next baby to come.”


I was really nervous and upset by what I heard, yet still asked the doctor if there was any possible reason why I couldn't see the baby. At last, the doctor told me I could also do one blood test after the appointment and come back after 3 days to do another one (to see if the blood test number increases), if numbers go up, then that means I did my ultrasound too early. Just as we had little hope, the doctor had to say it again “But AGAIN, BASED ON MY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE, YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD A MISCARRIAGE. “


After we walked out from the appointment room, I took the blood test, then went back to the car. Immediately the moment I set in the car I cried. I looked at my husband asked him


Me: “What if we lose the baby?”

Husband: “We still have hope…but I cannot really talk right now, I still feel really dizzy right now from what I have heard. I felt my world was spinning, was about to faint in the appointment room, and that was my first knowing what faint means since I was born.”

I remember those 3 days were the toughest days we have ever had since we were dating.

Anyway, I took the tests, and found out the baby was growing healthy but just visited too early. Really blissed I had listened to my parents and parents-in-law to wait 3 more days. During the first trimester experience, our emotions were like riding a roller coaster going up and down, meanwhile, I would always remember and remind myself how lucky I have her with me now.

Looking back now, if the doctor was my primary doctor, I would have changed my doctor right after I found out my baby was healthy.

To be continued...


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