Perfectionism=/≠ OCD
真的十分嚮往某一天的那一天，我也能成為那一位十分清楚明白每一天過的目的地是什麼，無目標的生活會讓生活秩序變得沒有了重量。
3月20 是2022年春天的第一天，在這突然忙碌的3月中，突然有點找不到1月時自我設置的自我條規。 也許計畫幻想中與實際操作大有差別，但也只能咬著牙堅持下去.
閒話家常的來談談完美主義/潔癖和強迫症 OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)能畫上等號嗎？其實完美主義和強迫症的本質大有不同， 但可以因本身個性完美主義演變成潔癖與強迫症。完美主義是人的一種人格特質，而潔癖與強迫症是心理的一種心理上的病態。而我就是活生生的例子。
自從疫情開始，開始發現自己不只有完美主義卻慢慢增加強迫症OCD的症狀。以前自己清楚有完美主義的性格，十分注意細節，要求規矩，追求一定的秩序與整潔標準，誇張到缺乏彈性，對自己要求很高，高到無法信任他人，對自己參與的項目最後都會自己再重新審核一遍，不予許自己犯錯，但對自己毫無自信到懷疑自己到底是否能勝任。聽完這一輪解說，只能對自己說：“你不累嗎？🙄” 但因為從以前就是這樣的個性，外加環境不停地變遷，疫情的開始，終於發現自己心理生病了，是時候好好自我調整一下。
看了幾本書與心理報導，努力地用自己的理解去區分所謂的完美主義到潔癖與強迫症，參與心理講座與心理師聊自己的過往，也學著如何解救這麼誇張的自己，主要希望不因為自己影響他人。
心理學專家巴金說到，在兒童時期受到嚴厲管理而無法適時表達個人喜怒哀樂情緒的人，學會也養成開始不對他人表達吐露自己的心情和不愉快，利用不停的整理與清潔來抒發內心的情緒壓力；哪怕已經做到精疲力盡，快倒下的狀態也不願意停止動作。
一般正常居家整潔都是很合理的事，但如果發現自己，朋友或家人已經無法顧慮或花費時間與家人相處談話，展開了不停斷地清潔與整理，已經說明這個人已經處於精神壓力大到快無法呼吸的狀態了。
而強迫症自己會發現強迫自己重複做或花大量時間做同樣的行為，或想同樣的事情，然後影響自己與他人的生活。就好比我自己打從疫情😷開始，變得神經兮兮的，只要一走出門都是致命的細菌🦠，或只要家門一開，說不定外面的空氣就會把病菌吹進來，哪怕自己已經知道新冠疾病如何傳播的，誇張吧？我自己也覺得很誇張。我的手，小朋友的手已經不知道洗了n多遍了，洗到自己的手都乾到裂開還在強迫自己要洗，要擦，要消毒。我在猜我們家的工程師也發現水費突然突飛猛進的增長。包裹📦到家門，消毒酒精噴到我們家工程師也在抗議了。我沒得新冠，但我卻發現自己得了精神病🥲...我還記得某一天的下午我們家那位說的話。
當我們家工程師在二樓工作的時候，從樓上呼喊的聲音，
工程師：“Honey, you spray way too much." （親愛的，你噴消毒酒精會不會噴得太多了。）
我："I have sprayed every surface, it might contain lots of germs." （不會啊，我必須把每面都噴到，以防某一個角落有病菌）
工程師："Oh yeah, you will actually kill everyone first before we even get the COVID."（哦，是嗎？但我更覺得在我們還沒得新冠之前，我們大家應該中毒死亡了（消毒噴劑中毒💀）
我："...😬"
頓時有種無言以對的感覺。
日子慢慢的過去，2020年到現在2022年，那種疲憊與厭倦，高敏防衛感讓我已經到無法喘氣的階段，思念自己爸爸媽媽和弟弟們的相處日子，懷念與家人，朋友互動的時間。加上後來我們家工程師，決定帶我們一家到俄勒岡州度假一個禮拜，到後續慢慢帶著我們一家到戶外多走動 （當然是從沒什麼人的階段開始）。如今，我終於慢慢接受與🦠生活的概念（口罩還是會帶著，為了家裡的小朋友)，慢慢地學會適度放鬆自己，恢復做原來的自己。
治療自己心理的病，就是先好好面對自己心理上的問題，【蛤蟆先生去看心理師 Counselling for Toads: A Psychological Adventure 】這一本書裡面有一句寫的很好：「心理諮商向來是一個自發的過程，諮商師和當事人都必須出於自願。也就是說，只有當你是為自己而不是為了取悅朋友們才想諮商的時候，我們才能真正合作。...為諮商負責的只能是你，而不能是其他任何人。」也就是說，想要治好自己的問題，先要自己發現，坦誠面對自己後，才會有好的解決方案。
想要參考更多完美主義vs強迫症 或其他心理諮詢文章： https://fairiesheart.com
First day of spring season start, which is today in March.20th 2022. I was in low spirits because of the rainy weather, and I have been drained out from all the invisible pressure that building up since beginning of March.
Hopefully by writing personal blog will help reducing my tiredness.
What should I start my small talk today?
Does Perfectionism equal/not equal to OCD (obsessive - compulsive disorder)? Well, they are a bit different but have some connection. Having perfectionism is characteristic, it isn’t a diagnosable mental disorder; However, having OCD is a mental disorder. You can have perfectionism as personality since you are little, and base on the environment you grow up, can have OCD after. I will be a perfect example of why.
I have found myself not just have perfectionism but slowly having OCD system since pandemic started. A brief word on Perfectionism, tend to set high goals and work as hard as possible to achieve it; the person may become extremely picky on certain things or have all kinds of standard to the level is not flexible (everything must be flawless, especially you have the control to oversee something). Ridiculous, right? I will even say YES multiple times. Although a person who has perfectionism, he/she tends to have lowest confidence of himself/herself or doubt himself/herself whether they can be competent for this task. After self-reflect on myself, I even question myself, “DON’T YOU FEEL EXHAUSTED? 🙄” Well this is not even the worst thing that have happened to me.
I have been moving around with my family since I was little. By changing different environments, locations, learning new thing every step I move had slowly shaped me with various personality. This could be good and bad at the same time.
Till 2020 which is pandemic started. I totally changed into different person. I have noticed that I have OCD symptoms. I found out whenever I was frustrated or under invisible pressure, I would start repeating doing same tasks or thinking about same things.
Want to hear a crazy story?
Since the day I knew COVID 19, we started staying at home and no contact with anyone. Although I knew how people gets COVID, I kept thinking the moment someone open the door, the COVID germs would fly into the house. On top of that, I kept washing my hands and kids’ hands whenever we had contacted with outside food or …just air lol, washed till my skin got so weak and cracked; I still didn’t stop whatever I was doing. I had to shower right after I got home from outside. I think my husband noticed the water bill had been increased.
I still remember one of the days, my package had arrived. I brought in my package, and guess what? My first thing was nonstop spraying Lysol to kill the germs on every surface that you could see.
Then I heard….
Hubby: “Honey, you spray way too much.”
Me: “I have to spray every surface; it might contain lots of germs.”
Hubby: “Oh yeah, you will actually kill everyone first before we even get the COVID.”
ME: “……😬” (I didn’t know how to respond him at that moment)
I guess it is about time to slow down and adjust myself. My husband he decided to take a whole week off just to take me and kids out of the house and had short family vacations at Oregon. To accepted and live with germs, be able to breath like a normal person, to learn to love myself, and relax myself.
I think I am getting much better now. At least I know my own problems and willing to face it and heal it.